My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
You Might Also Like
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant