My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

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When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.


“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”


Waiter: Do you have any questions about the menu?

Me: Did you laminate these yourself?


I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.


[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?


My son and I play a game where he talks all day and I bang my head against a wall.


A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.