My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
You Might Also Like
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Hotels are back
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever