My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
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I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!