My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
You Might Also Like
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here