@BunAndLeggings

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Hot coffee: Perfect! Iced coffee: Delicious! Room-temperature coffee: The most disgusting liquid on earth.

@_Water_Baby

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

@bourgeoisalien

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

@mondaypunday

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

@WryBry

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

@hazelmotes1

If my son’s science project is to see how annoying he can be before I kill him then he’s almost done.

@andrewfalloon

My Dad is recovering from an operation. Mum went out and left a door slightly ajar.

My parents do not have a cat.

@trumpetcake

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.