My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
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CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Geez man, take it easy.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?