My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

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Hot coffee: Perfect! Iced coffee: Delicious! Room-temperature coffee: The most disgusting liquid on earth.


My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.


Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’


My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.


Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?


If my son’s science project is to see how annoying he can be before I kill him then he’s almost done.


My Dad is recovering from an operation. Mum went out and left a door slightly ajar.

My parents do not have a cat.


I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.