@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

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@tastefactory

ME: Actually, her name is not Khaleesi. That’s her Dothraki title. Her name is Daenerys Targaryen.
GUY ON SUBWAY: I didn’t say anything

@erikbransteen

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

@carlyken

Look Disney all I’m saying is that if my stepdaughter brought a bunch of birds and mice into my mansion I’d make her clean up that shit too.

@SatansTongue

*Filling out application*
Sex: “no thanks”

Well maybe I should write yes… I really need this job. You know what? Yeah sure I’ll take sex.

@Home_Halfway

[on horseback dressed as a knight]

ME: I wish to battle your King

CASHIER: Sir please get out of the drive-thru

ME: Tell that coward to come out and defend his throne

CASHIER: There is no actual Burger King

ME: Lies

@JustMug

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

@pickupIines

are you my appendix because i don’t understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out

@pro_worrier_

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today