dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
You Might Also Like
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
*crowd goes nuts*
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
things getting way heated on my picture of flowers #couplestherapy
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I work with a guy named Rick.
I’m pretty sure he spells his name with a silent “P.”
We all make fun of Kristen Stewart for her wide variety of facial expressions, but she’d probably kick all our asses in poker.