My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
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Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
This raises questions
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
There is no try. There is only give up.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.