ME: Actually, her name is not Khaleesi. That’s her Dothraki title. Her name is Daenerys Targaryen.
GUY ON SUBWAY: I didn’t say anything
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
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The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Look Disney all I’m saying is that if my stepdaughter brought a bunch of birds and mice into my mansion I’d make her clean up that shit too.
*Filling out application*
Sex: “no thanks”
Well maybe I should write yes… I really need this job. You know what? Yeah sure I’ll take sex.
[on horseback dressed as a knight]
ME: I wish to battle your King
CASHIER: Sir please get out of the drive-thru
ME: Tell that coward to come out and defend his throne
CASHIER: There is no actual Burger King
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
are you my appendix because i don’t understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Dispatch: 5th one today