My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

You Might Also Like


ME: Actually, her name is not Khaleesi. That’s her Dothraki title. Her name is Daenerys Targaryen.
GUY ON SUBWAY: I didn’t say anything


The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that


Look Disney all I’m saying is that if my stepdaughter brought a bunch of birds and mice into my mansion I’d make her clean up that shit too.


*Filling out application*
Sex: “no thanks”

Well maybe I should write yes… I really need this job. You know what? Yeah sure I’ll take sex.


[on horseback dressed as a knight]

ME: I wish to battle your King

CASHIER: Sir please get out of the drive-thru

ME: Tell that coward to come out and defend his throne

CASHIER: There is no actual Burger King

ME: Lies


“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers


are you my appendix because i don’t understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out


Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today