Mental note, its inappropriate, according to the HR department, to put your hand on the back of a female coworkers head as she eats a banana
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
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barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
My dog just fell off the bed.
I’m glad I’m not the only one drunk around here.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Vendor: Would you like to try some almond milk?
Me: Oh. Is this milk made with cage-free almonds?
Vendor: Huh? Uh I guess so
Me: *leans in close* If I find out-
Wife: Ok I get it. You hate being brought here. Stop embarrassing me
Mother in law: Do you think you will have any more children?
Me: Oh, no. His pull out game is strong
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.