My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.

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Mental note, its inappropriate, according to the HR department, to put your hand on the back of a female coworkers head as she eats a banana


There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”


My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.


My dog just fell off the bed.

I’m glad I’m not the only one drunk around here.


It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”


[farmers market]

Vendor: Would you like to try some almond milk?

Me: Oh. Is this milk made with cage-free almonds?

Vendor: Huh? Uh I guess so

Me: *leans in close* If I find out-

Wife: Ok I get it. You hate being brought here. Stop embarrassing me


Mother in law: Do you think you will have any more children?

Me: Oh, no. His pull out game is strong