My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
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Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
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saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
This is enough internet for the day.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife