My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
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He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company