Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
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Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
HR said no more nunchucks.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!