@jumpdashark

My tombstone will read: If You Don’t Know Me By Now, You Will Never Ever Ever Know Me.

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@primawesome

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

@TheBoydP

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

@OtherDanOBrien

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

@bigmacher

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

@KokonutRum

sorry the church is on fire, did i mentioned i studied abroad

@Brentweets

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

@AimeeHelene1

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

@Brentweets

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

@ThoughtOtter

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead