@slimmy_shady: My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
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@internetluke: Little Kid: wanna hear a joke? Me: life is meaningless without death Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
@: What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk? I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
@ihateitmunky: My boss asked me to stop using metaphors when i speak to clients but that's like asking a samurai not to use his sword
@jazmasta: "I feel like a failure, doc. I've got 5 boys and they ALL work as hotel valets" "Wow this is the worst case of parking sons I've ever seen!"