My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
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[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
couldn’t resist
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english