Surgeon: during the operation we will use a powerful laser to remove the tumor
Me: PEW PEW PEW!
Surgeon: Ma’am this is a very serious procedure
Me: [somberly] pew
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
You Might Also Like
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Don’t dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that’ll happen tomorrow.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
No thanks lady, I don’t need a tray
I’ll just use my four hands to carry all these coffee’s
Man: When my brother Sanctus opened his shop, he named it Sanctuary
Friend: Okay, but…
Man: My sister Esther opened her own and named it Estuary
Friend: I know, but just…
Man: So what’s the issue with my own?
Friend: That’s what I’m trying to explain Obi
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”