My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
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The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Hello Twits.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
“you changed” bro i was 15
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat