[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
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You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Saturday
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Very problematic
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Meanwhile in Canada…
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.