@MartinPilgrim1

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

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@tastefactory

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

@inojperez

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

@dinnersruined

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

@Tmoney68

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

@goodballs

[sees girl reading Lord of the Rings]
“Ah I love that book. The way that guy is just [clenches fist] the Lord of all those freakin rings.”

@shaztaberry

Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

@Bagyants

Student loans: because you should know what it’s like to be one of the poor people you’re always going on about

@tracietom

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

@TheRealSassy1

The fact that Head and Shoulders doesn’t have a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’ disappoints me.

@Habbibti

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.