People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
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I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
found this cool rock hiking today
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.