Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
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Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I’m literally crying
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.