Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
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[kisses daughter goodnight]
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
G: It’s complicated.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
My son just referred to a beaver as a “wood-eater”. So I mulled it over in my mind for a bit and it would seem he’s correct on two levels.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
She said she wanted to see other people
So I bought a disguise
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.