@Michael1979

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

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@NewDadNotes

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

@Reverend_Scott

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

@FrenulumBreve

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

@MadamBetteNoire

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

@JaneBadall

My son just referred to a beaver as a “wood-eater”. So I mulled it over in my mind for a bit and it would seem he’s correct on two levels.

@tweetsauce

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

@shwebby3

She said she wanted to see other people

So I bought a disguise

@DrakeGatsby

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

@murrman5

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

@rodney_at_large

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.