@Cravin4

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

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@melgabored

BIDEN
(whispering) Barack. Psst, Barack. Barack, turn around.

OBAMA
Joe, I’m a little busy.

BIDEN
I love you.

@roxiqt

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

@SoulYodeler

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

@momtransparent1

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

@FrazzleMyGimp

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

@thedad

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

@MrGeorgeWallace

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

@TheHyyyype

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

@HomeProbably

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”