(whispering) Barack. Psst, Barack. Barack, turn around.
Joe, I’m a little busy.
I love you.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
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Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”