My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
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Air pods looking like an angry frog
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food