@portmanteauface

My town is so aggressive with recycling and waste collection that an alarm clock basically isn’t necessary. Monday mornings, it’s bottles and cans. Tuesday and Friday it’s garbage. Wednesday is paper and cardboard. Thursday is children up to age five, ONLY in approved containers.

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@cwhudson

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

@ilovepie84

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

@markhoppus

DON’T TELL ME CAGE CAN’T BE THE ELEPHANT’S NAME BECAUSE THERE’S NO COMMA WHEN THERE’S NO COMMA IN FROSTY THE SNOWMAN!!!

@Shot_Of_Cabo

The good thing about being a chubby chaser is you don’t have to run very fast or very far.

@CharmandBrains

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.