My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
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my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.