My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

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Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.


I don’t know what “Leg Day” is but spending it at the gym is no way to celebrate.


Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey


A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.


Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages

Need I say more?


How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.


Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.


Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.


If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.