Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
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I don’t know what “Leg Day” is but spending it at the gym is no way to celebrate.
Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
Need I say more?
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.