Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
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I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
The Joker was right
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.