My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
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How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Still my favourite meme.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
*Seductively hides in the woods