The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.