My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
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Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
(Electricians.)
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
we all know this pain all too well
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what