My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
You Might Also Like
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
This makes total sense…
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you