My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
*orders delivery*
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
adam and eve had first world problems
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.