@HousewifePlus

My tween has this super cute new habit of starting every sentence with “you do realize that…” and anyway, I’m selling his PS4 for ten cents. Who wants it?

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@Cheeseboy22

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

@Marcmywords2

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

@XplodingUnicorn

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

@KPsych29

I always wear black. That way I’m ready, at any given moment, for an impromptu night out or your funeral, whatever.

@JediGigi

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

@huntigula

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

@fuzzlime

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

@PickleRudd

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

@StellaRtwot

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

@MotleyTheMutt

Her: We really need to do something about global warming

Me: Yes, I agree *takes a sip of Fiji water that has been flown halfway across the planet*