If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
My tween has this super cute new habit of starting every sentence with “you do realize that…” and anyway, I’m selling his PS4 for ten cents. Who wants it?
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The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I always wear black. That way I’m ready, at any given moment, for an impromptu night out or your funeral, whatever.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Her: We really need to do something about global warming
Me: Yes, I agree *takes a sip of Fiji water that has been flown halfway across the planet*