@mommajessiec

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

You Might Also Like

@Truculent67

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you

@DanRegans

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

@thrillhicks

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

@TheWidowmakerX

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

@Mr_Kapowski

[driving car off a cliff]

Me: Haha 2019 does have flying cars

@mzeld

The worst is when you text someone and they text you back 2 hrs later but you already keyed their car and emailed their secrets to everyone.

@NOTVIKING

me: so what do you do

date: i’m a head chef at a restaurant

me: [visibly scared] d-do you grill them or boil them

@Darlainky

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

@CerebralWreck

Lawyer: why do you want a divorce?
Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly.
Me: it’s not my cup of shoes, Linda!