@mommajessiec

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

You Might Also Like

@kwirkyKerri

The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.

@causticbob

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

@MikeBigby

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

@Discourt

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

@RoosterMustache

DATE: *gets in car*

ME: hi *starts driving*

DATE: how’s it going?

ME: first, gas is sparked in the combustion chamber to push the pistons

@sixfootcandy

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

@drborishabit

when someone is like “you’re a digital artist right? could you make me a logo?” and you’re like “no I’m not a graphic designer” and they’re like “I’ll give you $400” and you’re like “okay fine I’m a graphic designer but just for tonight”

@truegritrumble

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

@CandymanTimTam

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah