Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
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People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
[driving car off a cliff]
Me: Haha 2019 does have flying cars
The worst is when you text someone and they text you back 2 hrs later but you already keyed their car and emailed their secrets to everyone.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
me: so what do you do
date: i’m a head chef at a restaurant
me: [visibly scared] d-do you grill them or boil them
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Lawyer: why do you want a divorce?
Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly.
Me: it’s not my cup of shoes, Linda!