The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
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If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
DATE: *gets in car*
ME: hi *starts driving*
DATE: how’s it going?
ME: first, gas is sparked in the combustion chamber to push the pistons
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
when someone is like “you’re a digital artist right? could you make me a logo?” and you’re like “no I’m not a graphic designer” and they’re like “I’ll give you $400” and you’re like “okay fine I’m a graphic designer but just for tonight”
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah