My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
You Might Also Like
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.