My tweets are like a crack head with a shopping cart. No one knows where I’m going with it.

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Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.


When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.


It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”


“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.


David Attenborough: The hippos have patiently surrounded the unsuspecting white marbles


[before sex]

Just so you know.. I can only be on top cause’ I’m not gonna take my backpack off


9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..


The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”


“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”


U can call me childish but When me and my ex broke up I used to go to her house ring the door bell and run away for few months