I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
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20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.