I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
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I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!