i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
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IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Good point.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
jesus, what did this guy do
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk