ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
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My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*