@hunz74

My twins hate to brush their teeth. So I just convinced them that it’s fun to brush someone else’s teeth. Problem solved.

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@chuuew

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

@sam_kriss

in marvel’s DEFENDERS, our heroes must combine their powers – being good at punching, punching people well, having strong punches, good punc

@ICantEven001

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

@JElvisWeinstein

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

@myonlymizztake

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

@ArfMeasures

ME: *stuffs sock down my pants to impress my date*

DATE: I’m not that impressed

ME: I should have done it before you got here

@McCutty1

She won’t admit she’s obsessed with Instagram…

But her kids’ names are Brannan, Kelvin, and Valencia.

@TheMichaelRock

Alright, I finally gave in and signed up for MySpace. Where is everyone?