ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
My twins hate to brush their teeth. So I just convinced them that it’s fun to brush someone else’s teeth. Problem solved.
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Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Man, these hotcakes are selling like themselves.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
ME: *stuffs sock down my pants to impress my date*
DATE: I’m not that impressed
ME: I should have done it before you got here
She won’t admit she’s obsessed with Instagram…
But her kids’ names are Brannan, Kelvin, and Valencia.
Alright, I finally gave in and signed up for MySpace. Where is everyone?