Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
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The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Life cycle of cat
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
new shirt idea
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.