My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
You Might Also Like
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
🐕🍷