My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
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If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
🍞🦆
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.