@gneicco

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

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@capnmcfword

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

@SuperShourds

My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.

@JoParkerBear

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

@badbanana

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

@AngelaEhh

I almost ate that little packet in the shoe box. Good thing it said ‘do not eat’.

That was close.

@DanMentos

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide