My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

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I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.


My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.


God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.


Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.


Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.


I almost ate that little packet in the shoe box. Good thing it said ‘do not eat’.

That was close.


A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide