My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
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16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.