My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
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I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…