OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
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Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
This trial is so absurd 😭
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn