The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
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I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??