My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
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Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Pandas 🐼🖤
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
*seductively eats two tums*
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.