Thursday Thought.
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Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
BaD BoY!!
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine