@XLCadillac

My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor’s window thinking I locked myself out of my house.

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@Marlebean

My husband is so sweet.
Whenever he sees me having a rough day, he pours himself a large glass of wine

@simoncholland

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

@GlennyRodge

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

@OH_GAWD_OF_FUNK

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

@Home_Halfway

“Hey, quick question” ~ A coworker who’s about to give you a week’s worth of work

@shanethevein

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

@KinerdMccain

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

@cstanleyrun

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

@faizziy

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..