@troubleinheels1

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

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@JimmerThatisAll

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

@UnFitz

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

@anniemalistics

[before invention of Twitter]

Void: I just feel empty sometimes

Abyss: *sighs* IKR

[after invention of Twitter]

Void: (:

Abyss: (:

@Arr

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

@amishschool

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

@fro_vo

[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*

@ArfMeasures

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?

@Marlebean

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

@CourtRundell

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.