My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
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[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
#Caturday
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.