Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
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Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
[before invention of Twitter]
Void: I just feel empty sometimes
Abyss: *sighs* IKR
[after invention of Twitter]
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.