My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

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Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.


Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?


[before invention of Twitter]

Void: I just feel empty sometimes

Abyss: *sighs* IKR

[after invention of Twitter]

Void: (:

Abyss: (:


The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them


My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.


[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*


Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?


“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.


I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.