My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
You Might Also Like
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
That 👊
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password