My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
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when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
spicy snake
Friday
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.