I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
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Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
this is what they would have looked like, though
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS