@ItsAnneMwaura

My Uber driver just said I sound like a CapitalFM presenter named Anne Mwaura.

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@TheAlexNevil

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

@ilovepie84

“LET MY PEEPHOLE GO!”

-Moses when the cops found the peephole he installed in the Womens washroom.

@_elvishpresley_

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

@evilmallelis

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

@thenatewolf

“Good luck with your little skits!”

-Shakespeare’s mom.

@Breadery

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

@FredTaming

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

@SoldHerSoul

Are your clothes meant to scream out “help” when you squeeze yourself into them?