Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
My Uber driver just said I sound like a CapitalFM presenter named Anne Mwaura.
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“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
“LET MY PEEPHOLE GO!”
-Moses when the cops found the peephole he installed in the Womens washroom.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
“Good luck with your little skits!”
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Are your clothes meant to scream out “help” when you squeeze yourself into them?