me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
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[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems