My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
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I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Something Saturday.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.