Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
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Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
this is the news I live for
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?