My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
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Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
i meant to share this earlier
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.