My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
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[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
my sentiments exactly
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
The Punning Dead.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.